As parents, we naturally want to encourage our children. After an audition, rehearsal, or performance, we want them to leave feeling proud of what they accomplished and confident in their abilities. Out of love, many of us instinctively reach for compliments like, "You were the best one up there," or "You definitely sang that better than the other kids."
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While those comments are well intentioned, they can unintentionally teach children that success is measured by where they rank compared to everyone else. In the performing arts, where children spend countless hours rehearsing, collaborating, and growing alongside the same group of peers, that mindset can slowly shift the focus away from storytelling and teamwork toward comparison and competition.
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The good news is that we don't have to choose between building confidence and teaching humility. The language we use every day can help children develop genuine confidence rooted in preparation, growth, and character while also teaching them to celebrate the success of others. Those lessons don't just create better cast members—they help shape the kind of teammates, coworkers, friends, and leaders our children become throughout their lives.
Every Cast Has a Culture
Every production develops its own culture. Some casts become places where children encourage one another, celebrate each other's successes, and work together toward a shared goal. Other casts slowly become divided by comparison, jealousy, and competition. While many factors influence that culture, parents play a much larger role than we sometimes realize.
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Children don't simply listen to what we say directly to them—they also absorb the conversations they overhear in the car after rehearsal, at the dinner table, and while talking with other parents in the lobby. When they repeatedly hear adults evaluating who deserved the lead, who sang better, or who made mistakes, they begin to view their castmates through the same competitive lens.
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In contrast, when parents consistently model respect for every performer, children learn that another person's success does not diminish their own. They begin to understand that every cast member contributes something valuable to the production and that creating great theatre is ultimately a team effort.
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One of the greatest gifts we can give our children is helping them become the kind of performer that others genuinely enjoy working with. That starts long before they enter the rehearsal room—it begins with the language they hear at home.
Children Learn How to Define Success
Children are constantly learning—not only from what we intentionally teach them, but from what they observe us doing every day. Psychologist Albert Bandura's Social Learning Theory suggests that children learn behaviors, attitudes, and values by watching the important adults in their lives. In other words, our children are paying attention to far more than the advice we give them directly. They are listening to the conversations we have after rehearsal, noticing how we react to casting decisions, and learning what we celebrate.
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When parents consistently compare children, even with the best intentions, those comparisons begin to shape how young performers define success. Instead of asking themselves, "Did I grow today?" or "Did I tell the story honestly?" they begin asking, "Was I better than everyone else?" That subtle shift changes the goal from personal growth to constantly measuring themselves against their peers.
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Comparison also creates an impossible standard. There will always be another talented singer, another gifted dancer, another actor who interprets a role differently, or another child who receives the opportunity your child hoped for. If confidence depends on being "better" than everyone else, it will always be vulnerable because there will always be someone new to compare yourself to.
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As parents, we have the opportunity to define success differently. We can teach our children that success is preparing well, learning new skills, growing as an artist, contributing to the cast, and taking creative risks. Those are goals entirely within their control, and they provide a much stronger foundation for lifelong confidence than comparison ever can.
Confidence Should Be Built on Evidence
Every parent wants their child to feel confident. The question is not whether we should build confidence, but how.
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Sometimes, without realizing it, we try to manufacture confidence by convincing our children that they are the best performer in the room. While those comments may feel encouraging in the moment, they don't give children anything solid to stand on when they inevitably experience rejection, disappointment, or criticism.
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Lasting confidence is built on evidence.
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Evidence sounds like this:
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I prepared well.
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I practiced consistently.
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I handled my nerves better than I did last month.
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I learned a difficult harmony.
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I stayed connected to my scene partner.
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I recovered after making a mistake.
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I'm becoming a stronger storyteller.
Notice that none of those accomplishments depend on another child performing poorly. They belong entirely to your child.
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This idea aligns with decades of educational psychology research. Carol Dweck's work on growth mindset has shown that children benefit most from praise that emphasizes effort, strategies, persistence, and improvement rather than fixed traits or comparisons with others. When children learn to recognize the evidence of their own growth, they develop confidence that is much more resilient because it is rooted in reality rather than rankings.
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Ironically, the most confident performers are rarely the ones who believe they are always the best. They are the ones who trust their preparation, continue learning, and know they have the ability to keep improving regardless of the outcome of any single audition or performance.
Theatre Isn't About Finding the "Best" Performer
One of the greatest lessons children can learn in the performing arts is that there is rarely one objectively "best" performance.
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This is difficult for adults as well as children because auditions naturally feel competitive. A cast list is posted, one child receives the role, another does not, and it is easy to assume the director simply chose the "best" actor. In reality, casting is almost never that simple.
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Directors are building an entire production. They consider vocal quality, chemistry between actors, physical appearance, movement, age, storytelling, and countless other factors. Many performers may give outstanding auditions, but each brings something unique to the role. The director's job is to assemble the combination of performers that best tells the story they want to share.
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During rehearsals for Mary Poppins, my son once commented that another actor delivered a line differently than he would have. Rather than discussing who had done it "better," we talked about how every actor brings their own interpretation to a role. Neither performance was necessarily right or wrong—they were simply different. It was the director's responsibility to decide which interpretation best fit the production.
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That conversation reflects an important truth about professional theatre. Directors are rarely searching for one universally "best" performer. More often, they are looking for the performer whose interpretation best fits the vision they have for that particular production.
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When children understand this, they begin to appreciate another actor's choices rather than feeling threatened by them. Instead of viewing every rehearsal as a competition, they begin seeing it as an opportunity to learn from the talented people around them.
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Professional performers understand that another actor's success does not diminish their own gifts. There is room for many talented artists because every performer brings something only they can offer.
Teach Your Child to Celebrate Other People's Success
One of the healthiest habits we can teach our children is to genuinely celebrate someone else's success.
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At first glance, that may seem unrelated to confidence. In reality, the two are deeply connected. Children who are secure in their own growth are often the ones most able to applaud another performer's achievement without feeling threatened by it.
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Parents teach this skill through dozens of small moments.
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When another child lands the lead role, we can celebrate their hard work instead of immediately explaining why our own child deserved it more.
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When a castmate gives a beautiful performance, we can compliment their artistry without adding, "But I still think you were better."
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When another family shares exciting news, we can join in their joy rather than quietly comparing accomplishments.
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Children notice those moments.
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They learn whether another person's success should be viewed as a threat or as something worth celebrating.
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Supporting someone else never makes your own light shine less brightly.
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In fact, one of the defining characteristics of healthy, confident performers is that they contribute positively to the rehearsal room. They encourage others, celebrate milestones, and understand that every member of the cast plays an important role in creating something larger than themselves.
Those habits don't simply make rehearsals more enjoyable. They strengthen friendships, build trust, and develop the kind of collaborative spirit that every successful production depends on.
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​More importantly, they become habits that extend far beyond the stage. A child who learns to celebrate classmates, teammates, coworkers, and friends grows into an adult who lifts others up instead of feeling diminished by their success.
Theatre Is Practice for Life
One of the beautiful things about theatre is that the lessons children learn extend far beyond the stage. While they are developing vocal technique, acting skills, and stage presence, they are also learning how to work with others, receive feedback, handle disappointment, and contribute to a team.
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Not every child who participates in theatre will pursue it professionally, and that's perfectly okay. The confidence, resilience, communication skills, and empathy they develop will serve them whether they become teachers, physicians, engineers, business owners, parents, or performers.
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The habits we encourage as theatre parents matter because they shape more than the next audition. When children learn to celebrate others, accept feedback with humility, and measure success by their own growth, they carry those habits into every future relationship and workplace.
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Likewise, children who learn that their value depends on outperforming others may continue chasing comparison long after the curtain falls. There will always be another promotion, another award, another opportunity, or another person who appears more successful. Comparison is a race with no finish line.
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Theatre gives us a wonderful opportunity to teach a healthier definition of success. We can help our children strive for excellence while also celebrating the excellence they see in others. Those two ideas are not opposites—they strengthen one another.
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If our children leave theatre with stronger character than when they entered, we've accomplished something far greater than helping them book another role.
Bottom Line
Every parent wants to encourage their child. The goal isn't to praise less—it's to praise more intentionally.
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When our encouragement focuses on preparation, growth, perseverance, creativity, kindness, and collaboration, we help children develop confidence that isn't dependent on comparison. They learn that another performer's success doesn't threaten their own and that they can celebrate others while continuing to pursue excellence themselves.
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Long after specific roles are forgotten, children will remember how theatre taught them to work with people, overcome challenges, and support those around them. Those lessons will shape not only the performers they become, but the adults they become as well.
Try Saying This Instead
The words we choose after rehearsals, auditions, and performances can gently shape how our children think about themselves and the people around them. Instead of comparing children to one another, try focusing on growth, preparation, and specific observations.
Instead of saying...
"You were the best one up there."
"You sang that better than everyone else."
"You should have gotten the lead."
"That other kid wasn't nearly as good."
"Don't worry, you're better than they are."
"At least you were better than..."
"They only got that role because..."
Learn More
If you'd like to explore the research and ideas behind this article, these resources provide an excellent starting point for understanding confidence, praise, performance psychology, and raising resilient young performers.
Psychology
Carol Dweck's research on growth mindset has transformed the way educators think about praise and motivation. Her work emphasizes praising effort, effective strategies, and persistence rather than fixed ability.
Jennifer Henderlong and Mark Lepper have also published influential research examining when praise encourages children and when it unintentionally reduces motivation.
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Albert Bandura's Social Learning Theory reminds us that children learn not only from what we tell them but from the behaviors and attitudes we consistently model ourselves.
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Suggested Resources
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Carol Dweck — Mindset: The New Psychology of Success
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Mueller, C. M., & Dweck, C. S. (1998). Praise for Intelligence Can Undermine Children's Motivation and Performance.
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Henderlong, J., & Lepper, M. R. (2002). The Effects of Praise on Children's Intrinsic Motivation.
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Albert Bandura — Social Learning Theory
Performance Psychology
Performing artists face unique mental challenges, including perfectionism, anxiety, fear of failure, and comparison. These authors offer practical tools for developing healthy confidence rooted in preparation rather than external validation.
Suggested Resources
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Barry Green — The Inner Game of Music
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Dr. Noa Kageyama — The Bulletproof Musician
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Dr. Jim Taylor — The Psychology of Performance
How to Praise Your Young Performer Without Comparison
Helping children build confidence, support others, and become great cast members—for life.
Try saying...
"I could really see how much your preparation paid off."
"I loved how clearly you told the story through that song."
"I'm proud of the work you put into that audition."
"Everyone brought something different to the production."
"Keep focusing on becoming the best version of yourself."
"Every performance teaches us something we can take into the next one."
"I'm happy for them, and I'm excited to see what you'll learn from this experience."
why it helps
Focuses on effort and growth instead of ranking.
Reinforces artistry rather than comparison.
Separates effort from casting outcomes that are outside your child's control.
Models respect for fellow performers and artistic differences.
Shifts attention from comparison to personal development.
Encourages reflection and continuous learning.
Models generosity instead of resentment.
Personalized coaching can help you apply these ideas to your own voice, goals, or upcoming audition.